"My first child was happy, easy going and rarely cried. Most of the parenting research I had done applied to her and I found it useful. I thought that I must be doing something right. However, when my second child was born, everything I thought I knew to be true about parenting was thrown out the window!
"She was a polar opposite of my first child. Even in the hospital, I noticed the differences in this child because she cried a lot, had difficulties nursing and could not self soothe. None of the books I read or topics I researched were helping her. It was very frustrating.
"I finally talked to a parenting consultant at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center who helped me understand that each child had a different temperament and needed different methods of parenting. I needed to try and understand their temperament types as well as my own. I had to accept that what would work with one child may not work for the other ? and that was OK. It was quite a learning experience for me."
Temperament traits
When you understand how your child responds to certain situations, you can learn to anticipate issues that might present difficulties for your child. You can tailor your parenting strategies to the particular temperament characteristics.
So what are these temperament traits and how do they affect your child?
- Activity level
Some children are highly active and need to use their bodies much more than other children. They use their bodies to solve problems, release energy and express emotions. These children can't sit still very long and do a lot of jumping, climbing, rolling and running. Children with a low activity level can sit for longer periods of time and enjoy quiet activities.
- Regularity
Some children may be totally unpredictable and unable to establish an eating or sleeping routine. Others are very regular.
- Approach/withdrawal
How does your child respond to a new situation or environment? Some eagerly jump into new experiences and enjoy changes. Others are very cautious and like to become thoroughly familiar by watching before interacting. This may apply to all new experiences, any group activity and anyone's greeting, including family members whom they haven't seen for a while.
- Sensitivity
The child with low sensitivity isn't bothered too much by falls, bruises, ear infections or loud noises. Children with high sensitivity usually react negatively to noises, colors, bright lights, food tastes, textures of clothing and changes in temperature. They can become easily over-stimulated and may react by crying.
- Mood
Does your child often express a negative outlook OR is she generally a positive person? Does her mood shift frequently OR is she usually even- tempered?
- Persistence
Persistent children don't give up easily in the face of frustration. They will work for a long time to achieve goals. Low-persistent children become frustrated easily and are unable to stick to a task if it is too challenging.
- Distractibility
How easily can your child be distracted? Children who have high distractibility have a hard time finishing tasks but can be flexible. Children with low distractibility can focus well and follow instructions. However, they can become "locked" into activity and not hear you when you call. They may become frustrated if forced to change their focus too soon.
- Intensity
How much energy does your child use in both her positive and negative behavior? Some children don't just cry, they wail. They don't just smile or laugh, they scream or laugh loudly.
Parenting strategies
Understanding and defining each temperament trait is the first step. Usually temperament traits are not explored unless the child's behavior is considered difficult.
Learning how to adapt your parenting strategy to your child's temperament can help you experience a harmonious, 'goodness of fit' with your child.
Here are some helpful parenting strategies to keep in mind.
Parenting strategies for very intense children
- Provide activities that are soothing such as warm bath, massage, water play and stories.
- Recognize cues that signal that your child's intensity is rising.
- Help your child learn to recognize cues that signal that her intensity is rising.
- Use humor to diffuse intensity.
- Teach your child to use time-out as an opportunity to calm him down rather than interpreting time out as a punishment.
- Avoid increasing the level of your child's intensity by your reactions. Give calm, clear and brief feedback.
Parenting strategies for slow to adapt children
- Establish clear routines so that your child can learn what to expect.
- Prepare your child by discussing plans for the day when routine changes.
- Prepare your child for transitions.
- Give warning a few minutes before transition from one activity to another.
- Keep transitions to a minimum, if possible.
Parenting strategies for all child temperaments ? difficult or easy
- Be aware of your child's temperament and respect his uniqueness without comparing him to others. Encourage him to accomplish tasks at his own pace. Acknowledging his ideas and achievements, however small, will build his self-image and make him feel capable of being independent.
- Make communication a priority. Take time to explain your decisions and motives and listen to your child's point of view. Encourage your child to work with you on generating solutions to problems.
- Make your expectations clear. Setting limits will help your child develop self-
control. Make her aware that her opinion is respected, but remain firm in your decisions.
- Be a good role model. Children take their cues from the adults around them. They learn by imitation and identification as well as discussion.
- Be aware of your own needs and the ways in which your role as a parent is affected by your relationship with your own parents.
Remember that it is important to stay positive and not compare your situation with anyone else's. Parenting, at times, can feel like one giant learning curve. OhioHealth's Parenting Help Line is available Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. to help you with any parenting questions or concerns.