Long before Jeff and Betsy Abbot brought baby Megan home from the hospital, they made all the usual preparations-buying a crib, reading countless parenting books, and stocking the house with diapers and various baby supplies and sundries. But despite best intentions, little could prepare them for the reality of parenthood once she arrived.

"You think you know what it's going to be like, but it's amazing how much your life revolves around the baby," notes Jeff. "It's wonderful, but you wonder what you did with your free time before." Betsy agrees. "I realized that would be part of parenting, but I guess I didn't realize how extensive it would be."

Nobody does, says Rodd Zeller, behavioral health EAP counselor for OhioHealth. "It is impossible for anyone to adequately explain the impact of a new baby on a couple," asserts Zeller. "I don't think anyone can truly be prepared."

Yvonne Gustafson, parenting consultant for the Elizabeth Blackwell Center at Riverside agrees. "I think unless you have a lot of first-hand experience with tiny, tiny babies, your best image of a baby is the Gerber baby or the Northern Tissue baby," she says. "That is the cultural picture: a pretty little person with a perfect disposition—all the happy sides of being a parent. But babies don't act like the Northern Tissue baby when they're hard to settle, or when they have a leaky diaper, or when dad's trying to get in the door and the baby's crying and mom feels like she hasn't even been able to brush her hair all day."

The three month whirlwind
No matter how much you prepare, the first few months with a baby takes a toll on even the best of couples. "Initially when mom and baby or babies enter the house there are all sorts of issues, from the constant parade of company, to the disruption to the house and schedule," explains Gustafson. "This early parenting is especially challenging because you are called to do your most creative problem solving when you are sleep deprived."

It's easy to feel overwhelmed. And worried, says Gustafson. "If you don't know the range of normal, it's tough to identify any given pattern, so of course you're going to worry," she says. But try not to, she says. "No matter what you do, just about every child and every couple will do just fine."

The loss of impulse
Betsy Abbot says she discovered early on that there would be no spur of the moment activities: "My whole day has to be planned now. Just getting out the door takes me an hour, even if I know I'm going somewhere." And this strategizing has become even more important as Megan gains mobility. "When she could sit and play and not move so much, it was easier, " says Betsy. "But now that she moves I have to watch her even more. It's always changing."

"The impulse to just decide just to go, is greatly compromised," says Gustafson. And new parents need to be aware. "It's not just planning a night out. It's planning a shower, laundry, groceries."

A new mother
"I didn't know I was going lose parts of myself," admits Betsy Abbot. But it happens, says Zeller. Motherhood can often be all consuming. Besides typically being the primary caregiver, women typically have a stronger biological bond. They also most likely will not love all aspects of parenting all the time, a sentiment that's often hard to admit. "Women get caught up in feeling like everyone else is handling motherhood except them," he says. But the truth is motherhood can be hard. It can be isolating. And it isn't always fun. Zeller says women need to understand that motherhood isn't perfect and "you don't need to be superwoman."

A new father
As a father of twins, Zeller remembers quite well the jolt parenthood brought him. "Men can feel kicked to the curb after a baby. I can remember struggling just to meet my needs, let alone those of the family. Going back to work was a relief."

Another common feeling for new dads is the feeling of incompetence. Adding to the fatherly burden, says Zeller, is that new moms may, too, feel as though their partner parents wrong. But Gustafson says that hands-on dads are important in the family dynamic because they help teach babies about flexibility. "I encourage shared values, but not shared behaviors," she says. "We're not looking for parental clones."

Maintaining your relationship
For any couple, communication is key. But it becomes paramount once you have a baby, says Gustafson. "Get out of the house together if you can," she advises. If you can't, try stealing some time alone at home. "Even taking 15 minutes a day to have a leisurely conversation is important."

Pay attention to what your partner is feeling, says Zeller. "I think it's critical that each parent makes time for the other. There's a real strain there. You have to make a conscientious effort to tend to your partner's needs."

But tend to your own needs, too. The strength of your relationship as a couple relies heavily on you. To help maintain that sense of self, the Abbots see that each of them gets occasional time alone—without baby and without spouse. "I think it's really important that each of us gets some time away," says Jeff.

Pre due-date strategies
"Before babies come, if at all possible, try to have a lot of conversations about a whole variety of things," advises Gufstason. "What kind of parent do you want to be? What kind of mom do you want for this family? What kind of dad? Can you live on one salary? For how long? What are your couple strengths? How do you problem solve? Think about who will be part of your parenting network. Who do you count on besides one another?"

Gustafson encourages couples to think through terms of sexuality, too. Think about what you enjoy about each other and how you can keep that alive.

"There are the whole variety of vulnerabilities involved with becoming parents," she says. "And most families will be alright. They just don't know it yet."